2032: Another Tale of Chemicals Gone Bad

Something tragic has happened on Wofford’s campus since my last blog. When I was there, I remember one of my favorite things to do was watch the squirrels dart through grass, nibble on orange acorns, and scurry up trees. Many of my friends would talk to the squirrels as we passed them on the sidewalk and we would rate the bushiness of different tails. Well, the squirrels are no more. The unforeseen took place and the squirrels turned against the students. Normally, squirrels would hide behind trees or stay in a rigid state position as we passed but slowly last year the squirrels began to attack the students. At first, some thought it was rabies. When the first crazed squirrel was caught and killed, it was soon apparent that rabies was not the answer. What began as a few sporadic snips to the ankles became daily attacks on anything the squirrels could jump on. The college had no choice but to cancel classroom attendance and shift all instruction to web-based.

 

It took months to determine what had happened; although if we had only looked to the past, the answer would have been simple. The college maintenance crew had begun to use the new rave in fertilizer. This special chemical compound would both stimulate and inhibit the growth of our prized lawns on campus. If there were patches of substandard grass, the chemical “knew” to increase growth in these areas. On the other hand, it could also sense the growth rate of the grass and could inhibit the length of blade to the desired height. Because the college could no longer afford to pay the gas needed for lawn mowers, this new agent seemed to be the best solution because obviously learning could not go on while the grass was high.  Of course what everyone failed to consider was the effect of the chemical on other living things on campus. As we should know, every living thing is connected; altering one part of a food chain will invariably cause some change higher species.

The chemical seeped into the squirrels’ water sources and worked very similarly on the brains of squirrels as it did on the grass. Some areas of their brains experienced rapid growth while others were inhibited. It turns out, the chemical increased their fight and territorial responses and decreased reasoning and flight responses. Basically, the chemical created killer squirrels ready to protect Wofford’s abundance of nuts from the poor students. Needless to say, the college had to kill every squirrel on campus and any within a mile radius. Maintenance continues to use the fertilizer but explains that the lower potency will be just fine. It has yet to be seen how the loss of squirrels and the continual use of the product will shape Wofford’s ecosystem but I’m sure you can form your own futuristic conclusion.